• Melanie Feldman

Through Her eyes


When I first discovered I was pregnant it was like my whole world came crumbling down little by little. I was 18, experiencing the advantages of being an “Adult” in my hometown, finding new and enjoying much anticipated things in my life. I was not aware of my pregnancy, crazy to most, shocking to me. But there I was finding out from the rather mortified nurse giving me my ultrasound announcing my 29-WEEK PREGNANCY to the girl who merely thought it was a food baby all this time. I had entered my third trimester without even questioning why I was getting thicker but not yet developing a “baby belly”. I was at a complete loss. Thoughts sprang through my mind that overwhelmed me and overall made me numb. What was my dad or my sister going to think? What was my boyfriend going to say? WHAT ABOUT THE BIRTH FATHER, yes the father of my child was not my boyfriend, which is a completely whole other story. I felt like my life could have been a perfect depiction of a Jerry Springer special. I was lost as what to do concerning my family, but for the miracle that was growing rapidly inside me I knew that adoption was the healthiest and best option for us. Now before I go any further with my story, some of you may be asking yourself “Girl that is impossible, how did you not even realize you were entering your third trimester without questioning the changes in your body”? Well to be perfectly honest, I was 18 and didn’t really keep my diet and health at a priority! I was eating out regularly and eating much larger quantities than usual, go figure. But I had always managed to maintain a toned strong stomach! I would do the odd workout, always focusing on my cardio and my abs as you do trying to stay the least bit toned. It was all through not staying on top of my typical eating clean and exercise regularly routine that I had just expected myself to put on a little bit more weight. AND YES, I was getting my period regularly, which also happens to more women then you’d expect who too find out later in their pregnancies that they are in fact barring life. Nonetheless, it was my mother that had confronted me as to my weight gain, and like some offended girl I instantly took this comment straight to insult. Never have I ever questioned my mother’s instincts again since!!

With the help of my mom, who stood up to the plate as a mother bear does in order to protect her offspring, I found the right agency for me, Adoption By Choice. Nervous, doesn’t even sum up the emotion that flooded my body as we prepared that morning to speak with the social worker. My heart was pounding louder then a drum and I felt my heart slowly sinking into my now enlarged stomach. There was no guessing what to expect! I had never been in such a complicated, or more appropriately crazy, situation in my life and this information was all coming at me sooner in my lifetime then I had ever even anticipated. I didn’t know the first thing about being a parent, but at ABC they made me feel comfortable knowing that my decision as a mother was courageous and based upon love. And that was something that has always stuck out to me looking back on the whole experience with ABC, love. I had walked in their doors a beyond terrified teenage girl and walked away with more amount of knowledge and potential adoptive parent books then I could have imagined. And that is all that I wanted, I wanted to be educated as thoroughly and as best as to my ability. Janet took me on as my social worker from there on out. She was so diligent with communicating with me and really took priority of where my mental health was at and my focus within my adoption plan. We talked about prospective couples and their backgrounds and then along came Erin & Tyler.

You can’t possibly imagine choosing the people who are going to raise your baby until you have been in the shoes of a birth mother and father and their families. “They are literally the perfect couple”, I remember saying this to my sister as we both read their book so intensely eating our McDonalds burgers and rubbing my belly. These were my people. This decision to me had etched the first major choice I made as a mother. It was a really defining moment for me to make, not for myself, but for my daughter. I remember calling Janet telling her of my choice of Erin and Tyler and why I had fallen in love with them. They were everything I wanted to be and provide to her, they were what I wanted to be 10 years further then from that moment. They were, what I wasn’t. Janet was absolutely outstanding at mediating our first visit and really made me feel comfortable with being open with every single question I had for them and being honest with them about the history of my pregnancy and finding out so late. To say the least, our first meeting went better then expected and when announced that indeed I was having a girl I can distinctly memorize the reaction Erin had. It was like her dreams had come true all in that moment and that the child she had been waiting for, the daughter she had been waiting for was right in front of me. Brewing in my stomach, and in that moment I knew that they would love my daughter just as much as I do. That was it for me. I had found the answers to my prayers and it was almost as though we were truly a match made in heaven. As the weeks went on, Erin and I developed a really close and personal bond. We would converse regularly during the last months of my pregnancy and meet up for lunches and dinners. They had really become something special to me even before any of us had met this little girl! When the time came for me to deliver my daughter, I made the loving choice to bring Erin into the delivery room with me along with my mom, to not only witness the birth of her soon to be daughter, but to experience the energy of this little girl with me, as mothers. From the moment she was born, I did not question my choice on adoption. The moments leading up to her birth I knew she was ready to be born for Erin to be a mother, and that is why I felt so confident in my choice. Going home from the hospital sore and a lot lighter without my child was an emotion and feeling that to this day I could not describe to any other. I experienced a loss beyond my wildest imagination, but had the most loving and understanding adoptive parents a birth mother could ask for. They welcomed me the day after they took her home to come and see her in their care to help me feel more comfortable and grounded and from there on in things have been so amazing. My daughter is almost 2 now and I can honestly say I would not take this experience away for anything. Erin and Tyler have been so diligent in sending me updates on absolutely everything with her from milestones to just catching up, and time and time again we meet up for our annual barbeque or coffee date. From my adoption plan my family gained a whole other family, and my daughter has never gone a day in her life without knowing how loved she is on all parts of her unique family. I want to take some time to really thank ABC for all the hard work, unconditional love, education and wisdom they bestowed on my family and me. Without the amazing services used there, I don’t know where my life would have been. As I sign off from writing this, I want everyone to know that I am a young woman trying her best in this world to keep her mental health strong and to be a role model. I am aspiring to inspire, and I hope that through reading my story you find it within whatever struggle you are going through to see the light at the end. Thank you all, may love be with you.

-River


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